Hi, my name is Chanel and almost 2 years ago my entire life was flipped upside down when I felt like I had woken up from a dream to find myself living a life that didn't feel like mine.
A life I hadn't intentionally created, but rather one that a deeply programmed version of me had simply fell into without question, containing herself in a glass box she didn't even know she was in.
I know many people label this kind of experience as a “spiritual awakening” and it's a term I struggle with. It sounds super woohoo and 'out there', and it took me ages to even be able to say it out loud, but honestly, it’s a difficult thing to describe or label and so that term is probably the best thing we’ve got.
So I’m rolling with it.
Contrary to the stories you might hear, it’s not an “aha” moment where suddenly everything makes sense and you're no longer run by your internal programming. No, it’s the slow and painful unravelling of your reality and identity as you detach from everything you’ve ever known.
And it’s confusing and overwhelming as hell.
My hope in sharing more of my story is that it helps you to see what is.
That it helps you to see the truth and the magic that exists within ourselves and within this universe we live in. I hope that it opens your mind to what's possible and ignites your soul to the point where you too want to break free.
The Blog
This blog is an expressive outlet for me to share of my ideas, thoughts, learnings and realisations I've had and will continue to have while on this beautiful internal journey of exploration and expansion.
This will be through short-form articles, stories, analogies, metaphors and poetry that will aim to paint relatable visual pictures to explore and break down various ideas or concepts linked to life and the universe, spirituality and consciousness, and some of life's big questions - like what's our purpose for being here at this time.
I do not claim to have all of the answers. In fact, the more I dive into this world the more questions I have.
But I do know that there is more to life than meets the eye, especially when we've been limited to only seeing what's inside the box we've been placed in. I know this because I've experienced it firsthand since breaking out of my box and let me tell you, the world is very different from here. It's actually quite unbelievable how much my life has changed in such a short space of time, and the same could be true for you.
It's never too late to pivot.
I believe that we can have it all - we can break the cycles of our program, stop allowing our ego to control us and live a fulfilling, purpose-driven life that's intentionally created from a place of authenticity and alignment.
One that is a perfect blend of our inner and outer worlds, of the spiritual and the material - because they're two sides of the same coin.
It's time we wake up to our potential, to the potential that surrounds us at all times, and remember who we are.
It’s time we stop living life asleep, stop living in these four walls we’ve been boxed in our entire lives without us even knowing, and start living in alignment with who we were put on this earth to be. It’s time for us to discover our true essence underneath all of the layers of rubble we’ve accumulated throughout our lives. It’s time we raised the frequency at which we operate and experience the true love, peace and happiness that is the very nature of who we are.
And by doing so, we raise the collective frequency of the planet and usher in a more conscious, fulfilled and connected world.
For we are the universe and the universe is us.
My Story
The Cookie-Cutter
Before that moment when I felt like I had woken up, I had lived a pretty “normal” life.
I grew up in a coastal town of South Africa where I went to school, went to university abroad to get my undergraduate degree, and then found myself living and working in Dubai where I worked my way up the corporate ladder.
I was always a very ambitious, driven and competitive person – a program that was installed at a young age due to the dynamic with my dad, which was revealed to me during my healing process (among many other patterns and automatic behaviours, many of which I'm still discovering).
I always needed to be the best at everything and a lot of the time, I was.
This program had me pushing myself and working super hard where I landed multiple promotions in a short space of time, eventually finding myself as head of department for the quality division of a luxury hotel in Dubai at 26 years old. Two years into the role, I had a business idea after a series of seemingly serendipitous circumstances where I found myself in the right place at the right time (of course), and when that gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach just wouldn't go away, I knew I needed to take the leap and pursue the idea.
So after months of back-and-forth, doubting myself, envisioning all the worst-case scenarios, I quit my job and launched my business in 2019.
I left my safe, stable, comfortable world for the big unknown.
This was the first time I had stepped out of my cookie-cutter, pre-programmed path that I had been trudging along unconsciously, fooling myself into believing that I was in full control of my life.
I wasn’t - my program was.
Up until this point, I had done everything I thought I was supposed to do, what I thought society and others expected me to do.
I lived my life playing the role I thought I was supposed to play, never ruffling any feathers and always caring way too much about what people thought.
I was the poster child for the campaign of “go to school, get good grades, go to university, get a good job, work your way up the corporate ladder, find a partner, get married, buy a house, get a dog, have kids, buy a bigger house" - and on it goes.
We all know this campaign.
It’s the story we get told time and time again by society so that we can be the sheep we need to be, never asking questions, simply slipping into the lives that were laid before us by our parents and the environment around us, whose lives were also laid out by their parents and their environment, and so on and so forth.
It’s a multi-generational story that’s been passed on, gaining strength the more generations it infiltrates, to the point where we find ourselves in complete auto-pilot mode, asleep, unconscious, programmed - all the while fooling ourselves into thinking that we’re the “masters of our destiny”, that we’re making conscious decisions, that we’re in control and that the lives we’re living are a true representation of who we are and what we want.
It's all complete nonsense. A farse. A program installed in us as kids and one that completely runs our lives until we die.
This was the cookie-cutter campaign I once belonged to, the one I made sure to live meticulously by, the one that gave me everything I thought I wanted.
So why wasn’t I happy? Why didn’t I feel fulfilled? Why did I feel like something was missing?
These feelings of discontent and emptiness would go on to form the subtle cracks that would gradually grow into full-blown ruptures, before eventually causing my dam wall to burst.
The Dam Wall
I remember driving home from my office one day, like I did every day, not really conscious of how I got home, but just that I did because my auto-pilot mode was so strongly activated, and as I sat in the usual traffic I found myself starting to tear up, thinking, “What’s the point? Why am I doing this? Why am I alive? What’s the point of life?”
Life felt meaningless.
Like there was no point. Like nothing I was doing mattered. And in that moment, I found myself feeling like there was no way out.
For the first time in my (then) 31 years of life, I could understand why people would contemplate taking their own life. I could genuinely relate to their feelings of despair and nothingness.
Those thoughts instantly scared me. I’d never had such seemingly dark, depressive thoughts before. I also had no obvious reason to be feeling that way.
On paper, I had everything a person could want to be happy.
I was recently married to an incredible man who loved me deeply and we had such an easy relationship filled with mutual respect, support and compassion; I worked for myself on a business that was starting to gain momentum and that had a really positive-looking future; I lived in a comfortable villa in a beautiful residential community in the suburbs of a glistening city that people dreamt of living in; I had two beautiful dogs who I loved deeply and who brought me such companionship; I had great circles of friends who I enjoyed spending time with; I owned nice things and didn’t really need to think twice if I wanted to buy something; I travelled to different countries and went on multiple holidays a year; and I was healthy.
So why was I feeling this way? Why was I feeling so depressed that I was contemplating the point of my life?
It made no sense to me, but there it was. Like this big elephant in the room that was becoming increasingly difficult to ignore, but I refused to look at it and acknowledge its presence so I just kept on plodding along. Surely it would pass?
But it didn't.
I knew I needed a break. I needed to get away, have some time off and get out of my usual environment. So I called my best friend who was living in the UK at the time and we booked tickets to Bali for a 3-week long trip of us blending a holiday with remote work.
It felt like everything in my life had been leading to this point and what unfolded thereafter was impossible for me to predict or plan for. My world as I knew it got turned upside down as a series of "coincidences" (nothing is ever a coincidence) forced me to confront myself.
It forced me to truly see myself, perhaps for the first time in my life.
All of the events leading up to Bali, then in Bali itself and then upon my return to Dubai - all conspired perfectly to eventually bring my entire wall of reality crumbling down, like a dam wall bursting.
I remember on my second night back in Dubai having returned from Bali, I lay in bed wide awake, thoughts racing through my mind at lightning speed, when suddenly the dam wall finally broke.
It was as if I had been surrounded by this glass wall my entire life and didn’t even realise. A wall that was covered in fog, limiting what I could see and making me believe that the reality I was experiencing within these walls was life, that it was all there was, that the person I was inside these walls was me.
In that moment, those glass walls came crumbling down, shattering my perception of reality as I knew it.
For the very first time, I could see myself and my life in crystal clarity.
I burst into tears, overwhelmed by a rush of emotion and energy, thoughts racing through my mind as I tried to make sense of what was happening. I was having epiphany after epiphany as tears streamed down my face. I grabbed my phone that lay on the bedside table next to me and started to frantically write down everything that I was thinking, knowing that everything that was flowing through me at this exact moment was the truth.
I was having honest realisations about my life, my relationships, the decisions I had made, my behaviours and repeating patterns, and my true desires. I could feel deep within my core that the façade was vanishing and that I was connecting to a part of me that was pure, real and raw, unobstructed by whatever sh*t was keeping me from this part of myself before.
I’m not sure how long I sat there in bed, alone, tears streaming down my face as I desperately took notes of all of my thoughts, but when I was done, a sense of calm washed over me. I sat there, looking at my phone, knowing that this was a profound moment - knowing that there was no going back.
The Journey
I've been on a pretty crazy journey since that time in November 2022 as I tried to make sense of everything, navigating my new way of seeing and interacting with what felt like a whole new world.
A deep sense of knowing had filled me - a sense that I couldn't quite explain at the time but that I would soon learn was my intuition guiding me. The more I listened to that inner voice, the louder it got.
Within the space of 6 months, I packed up my office and made my team and business fully remote (something I'd dreamed of doing but kept making excuses for why it couldn't happen), I made the difficult decision to end my marriage, I sold most of my material positions and packed up my villa, and I moved to Bali - somewhere I'd been dreaming of living and felt a strong pull towards.
I drowned out the noise around me and stopped letting that voice in my head control me - I stopped living my life based on what I thought others expected of me.
I remember feeling like I was standing on the edge of a steep cliff (metaphorically of course). Behind me was a lush, green garden with chirping birds and beautiful flowers - a picturesque scene that was predictable, safe, warm, comfortable. In front of me was a black abyss. I had no idea how steep the cliff was or what was on the other side, but I knew I had to jump.
So I did.
My life has not been the same since that moment, and the world that has opened up for me has been beyond what my imagination could comprehend and continues to be so as I keep exploring further.
As my internal world flourished, so did my external.
My business has gone from strength to strength - I landed my ultimate dream client, I have the most effective team in place since it's inception and our net profit doubled year-on-year and continues to grow.
My personal financial foundation is the strongest it's ever been, I'm surrounded by an incredible community of people that love and support me, and with who I've found truly deep connections with, and I'm living a life I've only ever dreamed of - splitting my time between Bali, South Africa and Dubai.
Life feels magical.
I feel free, happy and at peace - and I've found a real zest for life that wasn't there before.
We are surrounded by unlimited potential and don't even know it. It's always there, waiting for us. All we need to do is open our eyes.
Love,
Chanel x